How to manage your Difficult Mother-In-Law

I hardly know of anyone who didn't complain much about their mother in laws. Only very few women will say that their mother in law is a very nice person who is not imposing and is very easy going. Mother-in-laws who are humble and accepting of their daughter-in-laws are a rare breed. Most of us do not belong to this fortunate group who has mother in laws that are not domineering. It becomes harder to deal with them when we have children. Here are 6 secrets to help mothers deal with their difficult mother-in-laws:


First of all, it is very important to know and truly belief that you are the best mother for your child, no matter what other people tell you. Difficult mother-in-laws are very fond of putting you down, and telling you (or hinting to you through their actions) that you are not capable for the job (of a mother), in one way or another. But, do not doubt yourself. Since God has given you this child, He must have known that you are the best mother that your child can ever have, so why should anyone tell you otherwise? So, don't doubt yourself, ever.
It is important for us to be as independent from our mother-in-laws as possible. If your mother-in-law feels that you cannot live without her, she will want to take over. This could mean not asking for their help out of convenience. It could also mean trying to do everything by yourself, or getting help from friends or other relatives (or hire one) instead. It is important that you do not show that you are not confident, or that you are unsure of what you are doing, or that you are not able to cope. I know that we shouldn't try to be supermoms, but in front of your difficult mother-in-law, you'd better be - because that's what they expect of you (unfortunately), since they think they are supermoms. So moral of the story is - avoid getting help from your mother-in-law.
One of the most effective ways to deal with your difficult mother-in-law is to have your husband to be on your side, and to get him to deal with your mother-in-law. Share with your husband how you feel about the whole situation, and get him to understand what you are going through and empathize with you. Your husband needs to stand up for you, protect you and be the head of your household. He needs to tell his mother to give you a chance to manage your own household and your own children. He needs to help his mother be aware that she already had her turn when her children were young, and now it's your turn to take care of your children.
At every opportunity that you can, try to be as firm as possible with your difficult mother-in-law and tell her that you can do it, or that you want to take over the children. This is easier said than done, but you just have to pluck up the courage and open your mouth to say no to her, rather than bury everything inside and keep quiet. It is better for you to tell her that you can handle things yourself when you are calm and in control than to do it when you cannot contain all the hurt any longer and have an outburst.
It is probably helpful for you to realize that your difficult mother-in-law became difficult not without a reason. She probably has a lot of issues of her own that she doesn't want to admit and face them. So try not to take it personally. She's probably not enjoying herself while she makes life difficult for you. She is probably just spreading her 'issues' to you. So, try not to get contaminated and allow her unhappiness to affect you.
Lastly, if you are living with your mother-in-law - move out. The more she knows about what is happening in your family, the more she wants to take over. So the best way is to let her know as few things as possible. Even if you have to move just a few houses away from her, it is still better than living in the same house with her. It is really liberating when you don't have your mother-in-law scrutinize (and criticize) everything that you do, or everything that you have. When she doesn't see everything that happens, the urge for her to take over will be less, because she will not see so many imperfections that she needs to fix. She will not know exactly how many times your baby cries that day, etc. She might still want to barge in to your house like it is hers, but when that happens, you probably have to work with your husband to find some things to keep her busy in other areas.



I think we should stop dreaming that we will one day have a perfect mother-daughter relationship with our mother-in-laws, because it rarely happens. We come from different backgrounds, values and beliefs and it is very difficult to expect two women who didn't choose to be together (well, you married your husband, not your mother-in-law) to gel together. If your difficult mother-in-law cannot respect you as a person, then keeping a safe distance from her is the most practical remedy.

CUTTING THE UMBILICAL CORD (YOU AND YOUR FAMILY)

Some in-laws are overbearing and controlling. Some in-laws can't seem to keep their opinions out of your marriage. I don't believe most in-laws intend to be this way; it is a part of their personality. Mother in-laws seem to be more of a nuisance than father in-laws and for a very good reason, women are more prone to details and gossip. Some in-laws don't think their son or daughter married the right person and so unintentionally treat their son or daughter in-law with contempt. Some in-laws are jealous of the person their son or daughter married. All of these things are wrong and can be very detrimental to marriage.

A problem in marriage today is when a married man has not yet severed the umbilical cord with his mother. The man who puts his mommy first, before his wife, will have a terrible marriage. This kind of a guy does not understand what his position is as a husband because he is still living as a little boy. If a "mommies boy" marries the type of woman who wants a husband instead of a son for a marriage partner, there will be incompatibility problems. Some wives' don't mind mothering their husbands but many women want a man who is in control of his life and knows what he wants.

Why have some married men not yet cut the umbilical cord with their mother? Because their mother has never afforded that opportunity to happen. She has the need to be bossy and domineering with her son and through it has created a "little-big married boy" in the process. Fortunately this can be rectified by first understanding that a man is not married to his mother, and his only obligation to his mother is to respect and honor her. He does not have to do what she says anymore. He does not have to do anything that would keep him from producing fruits for his own family.

A married man's first priority should be his wife. Of course a godly man will place God first in his life so he can love his wife properly. So men, if you are still clinging to your mother for life, cut that umbilical cord, and give your wife the love she deserves from you. A wife who has to endure an overbearing mother in-law and a little boy for a husband is going to feel resentment and quite a bit of animosity towards her in-laws and her husband. Could this be why some women become unsatisfied and controlling with their husbands? They are not getting their needs met in the marriage!

"For this reason a man will leave his father and MOTHER and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." (Ephesians 5:31)

Have you ever heard the saying, "loose lips sink ships"? One of the worse things you can do is go running to your in-laws with your marital problems. When you start involving them in your private business they start to think your business is their business. Worse yet, is the wife who goes running to her mommy for every little thing going wrong in the marriage? She still has not severed the umbilical cord with her mommy. I used to do this, and I found out the hard way how detrimental to my marriage it really was.

In-laws, parents, sons and daughters all should keep their feet on their own footstool. This is not out of animosity but out of love and respect for each other. Sons and daughters should be aware of how their parents might be treating the person they married in the wrong way. Could it be because of something you have said or done? All children need to love, honor, and respect their parents, but that does not include taking love and respect away from the person you married in the process.

The bottom line is, grow up and take responsibility for your marriage. You're not married to your mommy or daddy. You have a wife/husband now so sever that umbilical cord and love the person you married with the love they deserve from you.